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[05 Apr 2004|10:48pm] |
black/grey journal = this is the end. new journal.
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) xwhywedancex
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| i pray that you'd come to my door... |
[05 Apr 2004|10:00pm] |
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mood |
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 drained |
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music |
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Copeland - Brightest |
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Holy crap. I slept until three o'clock this afternoon. It was ridiculous. I really have to stop doing that. It's a waste of a day. That and I really need to get out and start looking for a job. I think I'll walk over to the hospital on Wednesday when I get up and go see what's open over there.
We didn't go miniature golfing today because Justin ditched out. Uber lame.
Last night, Aron and I went to Denny's and had food and hung out with Justin. We were there until almost four. It was fun. Justin did grafitti all over Aron's hands and I laughed at them and talked to Marvin on the phone. His phone kept cutting out as he had no reception from being out in the middle of nowhere. He was having a stressful night what with his friend in Germany and all. I felt really bad for him but I think he got it somewhat figured out. We also had a really good talk about us. About how weird it is that we've spent like a week together and things are the way they are. Also about how we live on opposite coasts, but that it doesn't really matter and it's so worth it. He just said the more they tour, the more we'll get to see of each other and that is a good thing. He also said that if Aron and I couldn't fly out there this summer that he would just fly out here when they got done recording. And that, my friends would be amazing. I am so ready for it to be summer. I'm ready for my heart to stop hurting. I miss him so much and that makes me sad.
I think I'm going to go try and sleep for a little bit until Aron gets off work. We are going to watch movies tonight. She is going to take me to school in the morning and pick me up afterwards (what a great friend!). Then she goes to work, then to Ashland until Friday. I am very excited for her to see Doug and very curious as to what I am going to do for three days by myself.
I wish Lindsey lived here already. It's going to be so much fun when she does.
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| take me away... |
[05 Apr 2004|12:09am] |
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mood |
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 hungry and happy |
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music |
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nhoi-it's not possible |
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last night aron came over after work and we just hung out in my room. it's weird because i don't think we've ever done that before. we were realizing the other day that she's NEVER spent the night at my house. any of them. it's weird. anywyas i talked to marvin on the phone and she texted with doug. (yay for cuteness!) and then her and marvin started texting secretive stuff about me... little does he know she tells me everything! muahahahaha anywyas he said some things that made me super happy and red in the face. not like that, just cute things. i'm such a girl when it comes to that boy, i swear.
today we decided that i am going to punch him in the face for touching my neck and it's going to hurt my hand really bad so i'm going to make him do everything for me and carry me around everywhere because my hand will hurt. what a guy. haha. <3
i got my hair cut today. i only got like an inch off all around except for my bangs. so that means that my hair is an inch closer to all being the same length. YES. by the way, i think it's dumb that i had to pay the price of an adult haircut just for a trim. ridiculous.
tonight when aron gets off work, we are gonna go to denny's and visit justin. aron says he was sad today. i feel so bad. i just want to go hang out with him so he isn't sad anymore. oh yeah that and i'm hungry. <3 food.
and of course tomorrow... miniature golf!!! awesome. oh yeah and apparently me, aron and justin are going to move out into the boonies in indiana or something... is that right fase? haha i don't remember exactly what the deal was.
forty five minutes till aron gets off work!!!
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| our worlds they come apart... |
[04 Apr 2004|01:55pm] |
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mood |
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exhausted |
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music |
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spitalfield-i can't hear you |
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YES! i got three whole hours of sleep last night! slept all day so i couldn't get to sleep until about six thirty. stupid daylight savings time.
went to church with my dad this morning to hear his solo. it went really well. however, i do remember why i don't attend that church anymore. it seems to me that church services should be centered around what matters... the bible. not catholic church though. it's all about the priest talking about his own deal... stand up, sit down, stand up, sit down, say this prayer, say that prayer... then with a few little readings from scripture. it makes no sense to me. i'll stick with four square churches and my own little bible studies thanks.
aron, justin and i are going miniature golfing tomorrow at bullwinkles. i can't wait. something to do for once!!!
i <3 the postal service and the boy.
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| today = nothing |
[03 Apr 2004|11:34pm] |
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mood |
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 sooo bored |
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music |
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waking ashland-counting the stars |
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wow. i don't think i've been this bored in a really long time.
woke up at two or something... dad went to kelly's because it's her birthday... aron went to work...
since then i've been in and out of bed. mostly sleeping all day. ate some eggos and some cookies and played on the internet. i also did some astronomy homework. stretch that all out over ten hours and it equals a very bored katie.
talked to the boy a lot. made the day go by a tad bit faster so that's good.
i wish aron would get off work riiiiiight... NOW.
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[03 Apr 2004|03:31am] |
update: i read my bible, went to denny's with aron, and talked to him on the phone for an hour and twenty minutes. i feel better, but not completely. i am so ready for summer.
ps four entries in one day means i'm a huge nerd.
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| be with my heart... |
[02 Apr 2004|11:34pm] |
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mood |
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 i can feel the sad in my tummy |
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music |
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the postal service |
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what is wrong with me? i haven't felt this good OR this bad in so long. it's only been one day! four months is such a long time. why can't i get it off my mind? at least i have the times in the day when i get to talk to you and it doesn't seem so bad.
i need to go read my bible
The Postal Service-Such Great Heights
I am thinking it's a sign
that the freckles in our eyes
are mirror images and when we kiss
they're perfectly aligned
and I have to speculate
that God himself did make us into
corresponding shapes
like puzzle pieces from the clay
True, it may seem like a stretch, but
Its thoughts like this that catch
my troubled head when you're away
when I am missing you to death
When you are out there on the road
for several weeks of shows
and when you scan the radio,
I hope this song will guide you home
They won't see us waving from such great heights,
'come down now,' they'll say
But everything looks perfect from far away,
'come down now,' but we'll stay...
I tried my best to leave
this all on your machine
but the persistent beat
it sounded thin upon listening
That frankly will not fly.
you will hear the shrillest highs and lowest lows
with the windows down
when this is guiding you home.
(this song reminds me of you... doesn't it seem to fit?)
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| nobody but aron is going to get this... |
[02 Apr 2004|09:07pm] |
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my dad was just making a bunch of noise out in the hall and i was like "dad?" and he goes "no it's me, marvin... doing my laundry." hahah
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| you're not so pretty when you're dead... |
[02 Apr 2004|05:45pm] |
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mood |
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lonely |
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music |
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anadivine - alcohol and oxygen |
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i'm sick of shame people
read: i can't help being broke
i love the butterflies in my stomach
i've almost quit biting my nails
it's too quiet around here
i need someone to hang out with or just talk to
i can't wait for it to be summer so we can go to georgia
i miss andrea and lauren
i haven't eaten anything today and i'm hungry
i want pancakes... hahaha
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| goodnight sweetheart, the stitches are coming apart... |
[01 Apr 2004|09:58pm] |
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mood |
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so good |
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music |
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showbread |
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Faith
tonight is the last night that i will walk alone. tonight is the last night i will call this palce my home. i have fought many windmills, and chased after wind, i've clasped my hands around nothing again and again. we're all just bleeding to death from self inflicted wounds, we're all obtainting careers to provide our dooms. blindfolded and naive, lay our treasures in our fireplaces, place our children on the train tracks and pull the wool over their faces. i have made some twine with selfish ambition and thread, and sewed up my cuts before i'd be dead. i tied knots with faith in the world and myself, living for pleasure and toiling for wealth. i played outside for years with a butterfly net, chasing the wind every day before the sun set. then i cried into my pillow and clinched my fists, and looked for new things to sew up my wrists. ignoring the voice that whispered "goodnight sweetheart.." i refuse to admit the stitches are coming apart.
the years all went by and i am alone, everything has turned to dust that i called my own. i can't find something worth anything as far as i can see, the jars for the wind i've been chasing are empty. nothing in this world has lasted or put hope in my heart, the stitches have unraveled and are coming apart.
just beneath my wrists i watched this scarlet puddle grow, i can't find anything more that i can use to sew. at the end of my rope is dangling a noose, i have tied while living for nothing, and found nothing of any use. i am tired of fighting windmills and i'm tired of chasing the wind, i will not open my hands to find nothing ever again.
then his voice whispered to me before i closed my eyes, "i have already given you my life, so why is it that you choose to die?" then i saw him there standing over me, i covered my wrists, afraid that he would see. i couldn't look in his eyes and i felt so ashamed, i tried to hide all the blood colored stains. and my voice was shaking as i started to cry, i could fell that soon i was going to die. "i have nothing to fill all the holes in my heart... the stitches have unraveled and are coming apart. i have chased after wind for a very long time, still i have nothing worth saying is mine. everything i did was for nothing and now i'm bleeding to death, and when i'll be dead i will still not have rest." as the blood ran down like the tears in my eyes, the only thing i have heard that has freedom from lies, spilled over his lips on to me, pale and broken. of all of the words i have heard to be spoken, all of the sorrow and all the regret, the years, the toil, the butterfly nets, this wasted life and all of this... this never ending emptiness... washed away below my arms in the blood that poured down, the thread and the stitches fell to the ground. his words blanketed me as my pain reached it's end, "i've loved you forever, and my love never ends."
What can you possibly accomplish in a lifetime that will prove to be substantial and worthwhile? No matter what you work to achieve for the short time you spend on this planet, the same fate that reaches a man who achieves nothing, will reach you as you breathe your last breath.
why are we alive? What is the meaning of life? the answer is incredibly simple and constantly ignored, overlooked, or refuted. We are alive to have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. To be in love with a God that is so in love with us. God loves us so much he gave us a free will to choose how we will live our lives. And when we chose life away from His loving arms, He sent His son. A human being with the same struggles and temptations that all of us have and the same pain that we feel as actual flesh and blood people.
He gave us the ability to choose our own path, and when we soiled ourselves with acts that say we don't love Him at all, acts that cause us to be unable, and incapable of spending eternity with the divine creator of the universe... He sent His only Son to take the punishment that we earned, so that we wouldn't have to. Jesus Christ, never committed a single sin, though He was a person just like us with a free will, He chose not to sin. then He suffered and died a horrific death, so that we would not have to.
He loves us so much, He would rather take a death sentence that He never came close to earning, so that we would not have to. The bible says that Jesus is so in love with you, specifically you, reading this, that if you were the only person alive, on the entire planet, He would have suffered the same horrible fate without giving it a second thought. So that you could be free of death. JUST YOU.
The bible also tells us that if you become saved you become blameless in the eyes of God, as if you have never done a single thing wrong in your entire life. No matter what you may have done. If you leave this earth without becoming saved through Jesus Christ, you will not be capable to spend the rest of eternity in his presence.
The bible says God has made a place for those who accept Him, a place where pain and suffering do not exist, a place where complete and utter joy that our human minds cannot possibly comprehend become a reality. All that God asks of us, is to ask him for forgiveness for the things you have done wrong, and believe in Him and His Son, and that He suffered your death sentence on a cross.
All you have to do is ask, and He forgives, no matter what you have done to hurt Him and no matter how loudly your actions say you never loved him. God gives us His word, the bible, to learn how to live in Jesus Christ and find the only excising substantiality in an empty world through Him. Jesus said: "I am the way, the truth, and the light. No one comes to the father, except through me." He told us the only way to escape an eternity void of the presence of God, is through accepting Him.
The forces of evil in this dark age are very real. Satan and hell do exist. but we are on a side that has already won. God has never sent a soul to hell. He gave us a will to choose a life in his presence, or a life without it. The bible tells us that salvation is not something you can earn through your accomplishments on earth, it is a free gift. "God has saved us not by works, but by grace." All that is left is to accept it, and continue on pursuing a personal and real relationship with Jesus Christ, whose love for you is more real, consistent, and substantial than anything you can toil after under the sun.
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| I HATE KIDS... |
[01 Apr 2004|04:05pm] |
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mood |
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 thankful |
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music |
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waking ashland-all hands on deck |
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not really though. elizabeth and robert are here and while they are super cute and i love them, robert is not listening and playing with the blinds and it's bugging the crap outta me.
the guys just left. this is me being sad. it's really fun having them here. i miss them once they leave though... ruby does too. i hung out with marvin a lot in the last couple days. it was nice. i wish he didn't live so far away. this just in: i am a total nerd. they're coming back in the summertime and i can't wait. i think aron and i might fly out to georgia sometime over the summer and have a visit while they're not on tour.
i'm going home tonight and it'll be the first time i've slept at home since saturday night.
the stamp from the showbread concert will not come all the way off my arm.
<3
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| alright, time to destress... |
[29 Mar 2004|09:12pm] |
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mood |
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 hyped uuuup |
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music |
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hellogoodbye-bonnie tyler shakedown...2k1 |
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thank God for these things that keep me sane, keep me dancing, keep me laughing and keep me alive basically...
E.L.Fudge Butterfinger Blasted Cookies, old pictures, hanging out with friends, never heard of it, old beautiful mistake, HELLOGOODBYE, romeo and juliet, my room, fast internet, old get up kids, herbal energy pills, hubcap annie, denny's, justin, aron, messages from andrea and lauren, phantom planet, boypiles in the living room, staying up late and sleeping in forever, having class only two days a week and hopes for future visits.
i'm going over to aron's in about fortyfive minutes because the guys are coming back from seattle pretty soon. i have class at nine tomorrow morning until three. that's it! twice a week! my schedule is awesome.
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| here we come... |
[29 Mar 2004|12:08am] |
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mood |
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 stressed |
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music |
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phantom planet-california |
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man i hate school. i am stressing majorly what with starting on tuesday and not even being completely registered yet. i still have to send in my transcripts and figure out my damn financial aide. but i only have classes tuesday and thursday so that's nice. i can get a job now and work at least mwf.
i saw eternal sunshine of the spotless mind today with my dad. SO GOOD. go see it. seriously. it's great.
showbread's coming either tonight or tomorrow. aron's stressing majorly about it. i feel really bad for that girl, she hasn't gotten any sleep lately and she really needs it. i don't have class tomorrow so i am gonna go over there and help her clean. ick i really need a shower.
oh and by the way...
( i miss my lovely friends oh so much )
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| can't you see, it's over but just a new start for me... |
[28 Mar 2004|04:43am] |
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mood |
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 sick |
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music |
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NHOI-this is goodbye |
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today consisted of sleeping until 1:30, playing skip bo with my dad, watching saving private ryan and then going to denny's with aron, nick and austin (<3 scene kids... hahah j/k) justin was working and he said he's going to call us at six o clock am when he gets off. i think i will be asleep and aron will most likely be awake because that's the way it usually works.
OH! i saw lost in translation the other night at alison's. i am in love with it. today my dad said it was boring and a terrible movie and i could not believe it. i think it was so wonderful. but to each his own... then again, my dad liked seabiscuit so i can't really trust him to critique movies.
i start classes on monday at eleven. i'm nervous. i had a dream that i went to CCC on monday with lindsey and this guy that i've never actually met in real life and we walked around the campus and i got so lost and missed my class. i really hope that doesn't happen. the missing class part. that would be no good. let's not think about it. let's think about sleeping and tummies not hurting.
i cannot tell you how unbelieveably excited i am for the new harry potter movie.
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| it was always you and me, always... |
[27 Mar 2004|03:28am] |
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mood |
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 in like |
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music |
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hubcap annie-cause/effect |
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back home. it's a good feeling. break is almost over and i start classes at CCC on monday. showbread's coming monday night and staying at aron's for a few days so that should be fun.
tonight was the hubcap annie/rules of roulette show at the meow meow (by the way i do NOT like the new meow meow) anywyas, the show was good. ror and hubcap were the only good bands there and hubcap got cut off early and didn't get to finish their set and i didn't see all of ror because i went to the montage with jon and bryan and wayne. wayne gave me a ride home from the montage so i didn't have to take the bus it was really nice because i didn't even know him an he offered. what i saw was awesome though. they sound really good with the new drummer (who came to the show with becky that went to my high school!) anywyas, hubcap was amazing as usual. i got to see andrea and lauren!!! it was so so so so so good to hang out with them again. i missed them so much it felt like i haven't seen them in so long but it has only been a week and a day. i wish andrea wasn't going back to ashland. she needs to come live with me. i also saw JORDAN!!! i didn't even know he was coming to the show so that was a fun surprise.
i'm at aron's now and we're watching romeo and juliet (again) and i am very tired so i think i'll sleep now.
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| over and out, captain... |
[18 Mar 2004|10:10am] |
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mood |
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muy triste |
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music |
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waking ashland-longshot |
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this is my last post from ashland!!! it comes with half happy feelings and half sad ones. i am going to miss my friends so much. i am going to miss the best roommate in the world very much. luckily, i get to see andrea and lauren next week at hubcap.
well not much else to say. i'm waiting for aron to get out of the shower so we can go to wendy's. we're leaving after my music final. hopefully around two. that's it.
<3 goodbye ashland <3
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| i'm such a pushover... |
[16 Mar 2004|09:39pm] |
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mood |
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sad |
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music |
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The Paperboys - Crashing Down |
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i ordered the never heard of it cd today on smartpunk. i've heard some of it and it's super good. unfortunately, they play in portland the same day as hubcap annie and in medford the day after i leave. but they said they'd be back.
i can't believe i'm moving in two days. i packed a bunch of stuff today and had my last day at cru. it was really good and then really sad when i said goodbye to everyone again. i cried all over the place. of course. it's me, what do you expect?
aron's gonna be here tomorrow evening! i can't wait! i am going to see if she wants to go to simple faith bible study with me since doug and andrew won't be here till late at night.
andrea and i watched the g.i. joe PSA's. i finally got the porkchop sandwiches one! sooo grood.
i don't want to take the stuff off my walls but i think i'm going to.
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| blue jean baby, LA lady... |
[16 Mar 2004|12:26pm] |
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mood |
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 thoughtful |
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music |
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waking ashland-longshot |
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i forgot to mention one of the best things that happened this weekend. we were at derek's house and kevin got on the piano and started playing Tiny Dancer by Elton John, and we were kind of singing along and derek started singing along and then everyone was and it was so great. it reminded me of my favorite part of almost famous where they are singing that in the bus. it was so like that. i loved it.
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[15 Mar 2004|07:07pm] |
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mood |
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happy |
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music |
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hubcap annie-radio |
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i just had one of the greatest weekends on record.
friday after classes, lauren, andrea and i got in the car and left for salem. the drive was beautiful and sunny. i took some pretty rad pictures of the sunset with doug's digital and they turned out really good. so we got into salem around seven and stopped by derek's house. he has the cutest puppy named gabby. oh yeah and he's really nice and he looks like elijah wood.
so we got to andrea's house and ate some pizza and hung out with her family. a little later, her friends jen, lee, and kristen came over. they seemed cool. i talked to kristen the most. she was awesome. so then we went to the governor's cup coffee shop and there was a bunch of commotion because there had been a fight. there were a ton of people there and it was a really interesting mix. andrea knew everyone of course and every time she turned around it was like "oh my gosh hey remember that time blah blah" hahah and me and lauren laughed and drank coffee. so then jon the singer of hubcap annie showed up. yeah. he's really cute. cue my crush on him. then derek came and we all sat around and we were really caffeinated and a million conversations going at once and we felt super neurotic. it was awesome.
so then we went outside and hung out on the back of derek's truck and talked and then we went to the waterfront and walked around. (ps my ankle was all better by this time!) we found a playground and ended up playing on it for a long time. lauren tried to figure out the pointless wheel and i played on the monkey bars. so me and jon started talking on the playground and he has this tattoo on his arm and it was in hebrew and i asked him what it meant and he said it meant "Lord God my Master" so i was like "oh you're christian?" and he said yes and i said me too and we ended up having this huge talk about it. it was awesome. he's really really cool. enter an even bigger crush. so then he went home and we went back to andrea's and went to bed.
the next morning her mom made us pancakes and this really really good egg stuff. so we ate lunch and went downtown. we hung out in the bookstore for a long time. i got a copy of The Hobbit, The Shining, and Fried Green Tomatoes and the Whistle Stop Cafe. i love books. then we went to this bead store so andrea could get beads to make derek a necklace. after this, we went to derek's for his open house/going away party. we watched this comedian, dane cook. he was creepy/funny/weird. "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU STOPPED AT A LEGAL RED LIGHT AND MADE ME HIT YOU GOING EIGHTY!!!"
so we hung out for a while longer and i ended up talking to will jackson's sister when she came up and asked if i was from west linn. she's derek's sister's roommate in corvallis. so anywyas we ate some snacks and took some pictures. then we went back to andrea's and they made collages and i took random pictures. lynn made us enchiladas for dinner and they were punisher.
at around 9 30 we went down to reed opera house for the hubcap annie cd release party/show. the first band the coffee romance was really good but we missed a big part of their set. the bands after that were not enjoyable. we were really anxious to see hubcap and right before them was this terrible terrible band and they ended up playing for like an hour. everytime it would sound like they were finishing, they would start right back up again. it made us all really crabby. oh but finally hubcap annie played. and wow. they were amazing. yeah. bring in the big guns on this whole crush on jon thing. his voice is insanely good. their music is insanely good. so yeah. hubcap annie = insanely good. they played their whole cd plus a couple others. it was a great set. i got some really good photos too.
after the show, we sort of helped them take their stuff to their van and then we all went to sharis. even though it was really late and we had to be up early, we told ourselves we'd be home by 2 45. that didn't happen but oh well. we had food at sharis and recited the g.i. joe PSAs and it was hilarious. i got to talk to jon a bunch and that was super as well. he told me they are playing a show this thursday at the paris theatre so i am going to go if i get home in time. he also said to send him those pictures so he could put them up on the site. eventually around three, we left sharis and headed back to andreas. we were all crazy again and laid in bed wheezing and cursing a lot. finally got to sleep around four and woke up at eight, got coffee and headed back here. none of us were really happy to be back. but we are.
so i had three finals today core, spanish, and math. first two went well, third one not so well but i don't care because they are over and i got seventy dollars back for my books. we're gonna go out to lunch tomorrow. and i am going to go eat dinner right now.
wedensday aron is coming down and hanging out, packing a bunch of my stuff in her car, and taking it back home on thursday morning. she's the best. thanks fase. then doug and i leave after our music final and drive back home. hopefully i'll be early enough to go see hubcap annie. i want someone to go with me but oh well. then when aron gets off work, we are going to denny's and unpacking my stuff. holy crap. i'm going home in four days. super weird.
here's some pictures from this weekend...
( DOGGER! )
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| there and back again... |
[11 Mar 2004|11:28pm] |
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mood |
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tired |
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music |
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waking ashland-the politics of life |
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aron came down last night. well she got here at four thirty am. so we got to hang out today and it was nice. she was supposed to stay until tomorrow but a family problem came up and doug decided to drive her home. so they just left. i'm lonely now. haha. i leave for salem tomorrow at three. should be fun. i don't want to take my crutches but i'm sure i will need them. anywyas i finished my core presentation today! i think we did really well and i am so stoked that it is over. i have a math quiz in the morning and i don't even care. school is lame. <3
ps aron i know that it seems like these things always happen to you, i just want you to know that you are one of the strongest people i've ever known. you've been through so much, and even though it's so tough and hard to handle, you are such a freakin champ. you're an inspiration to me. and don't worry. things will get better. just remember who's callin the shots. He's got the plan. love you girl.
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